The killing of Ornella

I am starting to get bored of Paris…and longing for my partner in crime. I am studying for my French thesis but really Dieter gave me my master in cruelty. I was…am an apt pupil. Now it is daylight, all my night terrors have disappeared. There is no ghost, only decay. Death is a material fact. I run myself a bath and wash myseft thoroughly in the foamy water. I close my eyes and think of Ornella. Yes I hated that Italian bitch with her venitian curls, her arrogance and her Daddy’s money. She was a student at my college and thought she could seduce Dieter. But she was no match for either of us. We invited her to a candlelit dinner. I slipped a sleeping tablet in her drink. It was funny seeing her getting drowsy and babbling on. She was mostly unconscious when he strangled her with the rope and I held her. She went limp like a doll, her eyes opened wide. I washed her after the fact. Dieter wanted her nice and clean. I put cotton wool in her ears and nose. Her spirited body had departed but she could be our puppet. We kept her inside for a few days. We put some ice on her skin but still had to bury her in my parent’s garden after a while. At some point I cried, not too loudly, not deep sobs but I cried.

” Don’t get upset” Dieter said. “It was an act of love”. I said I was scared and he held me tight in his arms. We drank some champagne. Then we buried in in a shallow grave, in my parents Wiltshire property. And we made love over the muddy soil, over the musty Autumn leaves. We kissed for one last night over her dead body, soil matting my dark hair…nature triumphant. I had never felt so alive. But now she belongs to us forever.

Saïd

Saïd wasn’t a bad person at first. He is dark and handsome and found me good looking.

” Qu’est ce que t’es belle!”he said. We made love in a gentler way the second night, he softly undressing me and giving me pleasure. Dieter was all into harshness and punishment. I stroked his hair and cuddled up to him beneath the sheets. I found it hard to sleep that night. The moon was very bright but the ghost of Ornella was no longer haunting me.

Saïd has left for work now. I am still bleeding but there was no miscarriage, no monster or at least no trace of it. He was right. This was just the product of my imagination. But there is a void inside me that only Dieter can fill. We decided we would stay away from each other after what happened to Ornella and never mention the subject again. But I will never forget what he said: ” but Electra you enjoyed it. Not just the sex. No, you enjoyed the killing. I know this. You enjoyed the killing.”

Nightmare

Nightmare.

I wake up one night drenched in sweat, the moonbeans flashing through the window. My heart is pounding so fast, so fast. .. I see the walls drippinwith bright red blood. My hands and nightdress are soaked in blood. I run out screaming my baby is dead, he has just fallen out of my insides. It has an enormous belly, deformed legs and a hideous grin on his face. His nails are fully formed and cyanotic blue just like Ornella’s were. Said is woken up by my piercing cries. He rolls over in his bed: ” shut up, you’ll wake the neighbours up.” ” I am dyng can’t you see I am dying?” ” Shush.” He puts his hand over my mouth. I bite him fiercely. He slaps me. “Sorry” he says later.” I didn’t mean to do that. But I am sick of your drama. Some of us have to work.   Go back to sleep.” He turns away clutching his pillow. I realise there is a mean streak in him and I don’t share the same bond I do with Dieter. I mss Dieter, I want him so much…

Melancholia.

Melancholia.

Don’t forget the inner power of women. Like birds we will soar again and again.

I shall be writing soon again.

Born again Electra 3

Today  the sun is gloriously shining. Today is the day of my rebirth. All my “sins” have been purged. I don’t believe in sin of course, I lost any belief a long time ago. Pleasure and transgression are my only values.

Saïd is gently snoring at my side. I open the curtain and let the bright sunshine in. He stirs, rubs his eyes. He has a beautiful body. Could he be of some use to Dieter and I? Could he help us lure some prey?  Things were getting tedious and I don’t want to let depression get the better of me.

He  kisses my neck very tenderly.

” You look so much happier this morning. Shall I bring you breakfast in bed?”

I give him my most innocent smile.

” No, let’s go to a café… We’ll have coffee and croissants.”

And here we are, enjoying the French experience. I am just an unwordly British tourist, enjoying simple pleasures, basking under the warm Parisian sun. I am glowing, exultant. Ornella is just a distant memory, slowly decaying in a bin bag. I revel in my ultimate triumph and her ultimate defeat. Life is beautiful.

The judement of Paris Electra 2

Wandering through the streets of Paris in the pouring rain. I am staying in a dingy little hovel in the Rue Pascal, next to the Boulevard Arago, very close to la Santé Prison. Good health to you! This is where they used to execute people, carry out public beheadings and everything. I’m sure you would have loved it dear

I am doing my best to avoid tourist attractions, one can never be too cautious. I have come here to fee, not to attract attention to myself. I still remember that strip club we went to not so long ago, the one that was full of Russian hostesses. We felt like demigods then. How times have changed! I wasn’t yet devoid of humanity. I felt compassion, real compassion for them. You said they were just making a packet but I hated the way you humiliated and degraded them. Now I feel remorse or is it just disgust? You would call it self pity.

Remember the Stranger by. Camus? He killed and didn’t feel remorse. But then again he killed more or less by accident, because of the sun, not for thrills, and he paid the high price for it.

I go to a shabby little bar still in Bd Arago, still under the same downpour. I order a brandy, then two, then three and then more wine. My lips are cracked and smeared with red.

” Do I look like an assassin?” I find myself asking one of my fellow drinkers.

” No, you just look like a drunk.”

” Are you American? Are you American? One guy keeps slurring. One Albanian pimp and two whores are sitting in a corner. One of them is staring at me. She has very blonde hair and icy blue eyes just like Ornella. Ornella… Tears come to my eyes. I start sobbing and hiccupping in my drink.

” Hey, don’t look so sad.” It´s another guy, an Arab called Saïd.

” Come to my place. We’ll have some whisky. That should cheer you up.”

We leave the bar. It’s still pissing down. Saïd and I kiss. Paris city of love.

His place is not very far and looks a bit like a shoe box but he has some pretty persian rugs. He tears up my bra, bites off my breasts. I tell him I want him to give it to me up the arse.

” Fuck me, fuck me hard.”

He thrusts deep inside me and for a moment I forget everything. Even the pain is delicious although not the exquiste pain that Dieter could inflict upon me. He slaps me around a bit but I can tell his heart is not really in it. When he’s finished, he holds me tight in his arms. We drink some whisky

He asks again when I am looking so sad.

” My boyfriend killed a girl and  I helped him.”

” You’re joking, right? Is that why you want to be punished? Cause you’ve been a bad bad girl?”

” Hold me tight. Hold me very tight. Right now I don’t want to die.

Some cats are meawing outside.

” Hey, would you like to do some sightseeing tomorrow? It’s my day off. We could go to the Louvre or Versailles or the Conciergerie…

Kings and queens, Marie Antoinette and her severed head, all the headless victims of the Terror… She’s here, Ornella is here with her glassy eyes, her putrid smell, the dark blotches on her face… How I was holding her, half unconscious while Dieter was inflicting the blows. But she is triumphant now, she is defying me.

I stagger to the bathroom and vomit.

” Are you okay? ”

” I’m fine. Too much whisky.”

Soon it will be dawn. Soon I will get on with my life. And I am alive. Alive.

Electra complex

Dieter is rich. Dieter is sadistic. He is my German lecturer and teacher in the art of cruelty and submission. He enjoys demeaning me and he said I would enjoy it too. And I enjoyed part of it. He says we are two of a kind.

Oh, I remember how we met at the little cafe in front of the Uni. He came and sat next to me. Me the goody goody pupil so desperate for top grades and validation.  School prefect, daughter of an army colonel and all that. I wanted to be recognised by someone exceptional.

” Mind if I join you?” Steely blue eyes staring at me.

” I was just about to leave actually.” I feigned indifference and gave him that disdainful look.

” I won’t stay very long. And I would really like to get to know you better.”

I stayed. That was his first victory. It was far from being his last.

I soon left the digs I was sharing with my friends to move into his flat. The first day I roamed in a bit disorientated. His flat was so pristine and luxurious. I wondered where he got his money from. He told me he had a private income. I did not dare inquire any further. I was dazzled by his brilliance and his intellect. For once I had someone I could look up to. I was up for anything. Let me repeat this to you. I was up for anything. Restaurants, nightclubs in London, so unlike the local disco in the dump where I come from, fine wines and silk lingerie, and a spot of cocaine now and then. And the sex of course. At first he was gentle and caring but I knew he wanted things to get a bit rougher. I told him I wanted it too…

” Don’t be afraid of hurting me.” I cried a little but there was pleasure in it too.

Today I am wearing the nightdress he bought me for my birthday and lying in bed, stroking his cat Obama, a real persian beauty. That cat was pestering me and nearly tripped me over when he wrapped himself around my leg, purring loudly. I gave him some Sheba to keep him quiet. How can Dieter be so kind to that animal, as cats are by nature untamable? Another of life’s little mysteries…

I am going to have a bath. I want to be nice and fresh when he comes back. He hurt me more the last time we made love. He told me he would rub some cream on me or he would take me to see a doctor.

” She’s a lady. She’ll understand. We just got a bit carried away baby. I love you so much.” I kissed his silky blond hair and blue eyes. My German baby… I want to surrender to him utterly with all my heart, body and soul… Cliché! Time for punishment. What will it be this time?

 

 

 

Vampire Lady

I belong in the woods and I belong to the night. Darkness will overwhelm me, wrap me up in a shroud of mist, and the bright light of the moon will guide me. I feed on strangers’ blood and am stronger than I have ever been… I am soaring above them all.

Owls are hooting , in the distance I can hear a fox barking. I am flying in the icy air and longing to meet my True Lover, my Soulmate of the Night, far beyond the realms of Good and Evil.

I embrace my fate with passion.

Letter from a creep.

Is anybody out there?

Drowning…drowning when you really feel there is nothing to move forward to…  I am sinking deeper into the muddy waters, the dark recesses of my mind that I keep well hidden from everybody. I am an ordinary guy and you are a very ordinary girl, yes, you, the girl next door who acts so proud of yourself and so uninterested when I exchange a few words with you. I see you carrying your groceries up to your flat or coming back from work tired. You smile to me sometimes but I am just a ghost to you. I don’t look threatening. Did you know I strangled my pet cat when I was a kid? And my parents’ budgie? Could never stand the damn animal. How is that for a chat up line? Would that stir your interest a little? Still don’t like me? Oh well, I like you a lot. You’ve got nothing to fear from me…

 

Nympho

I wanna be a wild wild girl. No keeping my legs closed to be ladylike. I don’t give a damn about my reputation. I am not protecting my precious cherry. I lost it a long time ago. Some may call me  a slut, a slag or whatever. I am really not bothered. I have no catholic guilt left in me. Dieter, my German tutor, took care of that a long time ago. He taught me a lot of things and let ´ s say I’m  a very apt pupil. I shall talk about him later in another post.

I am a wild spirit, no one can tame me ( except him perhaps, and even then, I am not so sure), and nothing can stop me. I may have a bit of a dual personality  because to many people I look sweet and innocent. But I don’t feel bad about deceiving them and my private life is only of concern to me.

My real lfe belongs to the dark. I love the night with passion. I love men of all shapes and sizes, and above all, I love Dieter. I would do anything for him.

I am lying in my bed, giving myself pleasure. The moonbeams are entering my window. A glowing red moon is illuminating the sky. I close my eyes, savouring the moment… I am so happy to be alive. But I need more. I need them, my kindred spirits. Dieter taught me pleasure and pain. I can handle it. I am a strong and powerful woman, proud of her body. He will come to me tonight, and take me to another spot, a place where people with similar desires meet and have fun together.

I moan gently and eagerly await his coming. He has never let me down before.