I am starting to get bored of Paris…and longing for my partner in crime. I am studying for my French thesis but really Dieter gave me my master in cruelty. I was…am an apt pupil. Now it is daylight, all my night terrors have disappeared. There is no ghost, only decay. Death is a material fact. I run myself a bath and wash myseft thoroughly in the foamy water. I close my eyes and think of Ornella. Yes I hated that Italian bitch with her venitian curls, her arrogance and her Daddy’s money. She was a student at my college and thought she could seduce Dieter. But she was no match for either of us. We invited her to a candlelit dinner. I slipped a sleeping tablet in her drink. It was funny seeing her getting drowsy and babbling on. She was mostly unconscious when he strangled her with the rope and I held her. She went limp like a doll, her eyes opened wide. I washed her after the fact. Dieter wanted her nice and clean. I put cotton wool in her ears and nose. Her spirited body had departed but she could be our puppet. We kept her inside for a few days. We put some ice on her skin but still had to bury her in my parent’s garden after a while. At some point I cried, not too loudly, not deep sobs but I cried.
” Don’t get upset” Dieter said. “It was an act of love”. I said I was scared and he held me tight in his arms. We drank some champagne. Then we buried in in a shallow grave, in my parents Wiltshire property. And we made love over the muddy soil, over the musty Autumn leaves. We kissed for one last night over her dead body, soil matting my dark hair…nature triumphant. I had never felt so alive. But now she belongs to us forever.
Saïd wasn’t a bad person at first. He is dark and handsome and found me good looking.
” Qu’est ce que t’es belle!”he said. We made love in a gentler way the second night, he softly undressing me and giving me pleasure. Dieter was all into harshness and punishment. I stroked his hair and cuddled up to him beneath the sheets. I found it hard to sleep that night. The moon was very bright but the ghost of Ornella was no longer haunting me.
Saïd has left for work now. I am still bleeding but there was no miscarriage, no monster or at least no trace of it. He was right. This was just the product of my imagination. But there is a void inside me that only Dieter can fill. We decided we would stay away from each other after what happened to Ornella and never mention the subject again. But I will never forget what he said: ” but Electra you enjoyed it. Not just the sex. No, you enjoyed the killing. I know this. You enjoyed the killing.”
I wake up one night drenched in sweat, the moonbeans flashing through the window. My heart is pounding so fast, so fast. .. I see the walls drippinwith bright red blood. My hands and nightdress are soaked in blood. I run out screaming my baby is dead, he has just fallen out of my insides. It has an enormous belly, deformed legs and a hideous grin on his face. His nails are fully formed and cyanotic blue just like Ornella’s were. Said is woken up by my piercing cries. He rolls over in his bed: ” shut up, you’ll wake the neighbours up.” ” I am dyng can’t you see I am dying?” ” Shush.” He puts his hand over my mouth. I bite him fiercely. He slaps me. “Sorry” he says later.” I didn’t mean to do that. But I am sick of your drama. Some of us have to work. Go back to sleep.” He turns away clutching his pillow. I realise there is a mean streak in him and I don’t share the same bond I do with Dieter. I mss Dieter, I want him so much…
Don’t forget the inner power of women. Like birds we will soar again and again.
I shall be writing soon again.