I wake up one night drenched in sweat, the moonbeans flashing through the window. My heart is pounding so fast, so fast. .. I see the walls drippinwith bright red blood. My hands and nightdress are soaked in blood. I run out screaming my baby is dead, he has just fallen out of my insides. It has an enormous belly, deformed legs and a hideous grin on his face. His nails are fully formed and cyanotic blue just like Ornella’s were. Said is woken up by my piercing cries. He rolls over in his bed: ” shut up, you’ll wake the neighbours up.” ” I am dyng can’t you see I am dying?” ” Shush.” He puts his hand over my mouth. I bite him fiercely. He slaps me. “Sorry” he says later.” I didn’t mean to do that. But I am sick of your drama. Some of us have to work. Go back to sleep.” He turns away clutching his pillow. I realise there is a mean streak in him and I don’t share the same bond I do with Dieter. I mss Dieter, I want him so much…
He wants her and doesn’t want her. He needs her as a shoulder to cry on when is is scared of his demons and has no one else to confide into. He is ashamed of his dark desires but at times his secrets are too much of a burden for him to bear. His irresistible impulses, his unholy drives… She is the only one who can help him keep his delusion of sanity. Sometimes he fears he might hurt her. She is so frail, so fragile, so innocent… She really has no clue. But he thirsts for blood, fresh blood, and the Night is his natural habitat. He does not feel too much remorse after his actions, mainly a sense of relief as his lust has been satiated. He may feel some regret after each kill, panic and fear of getting caught. At times he believes himself to be godlike and invincible, at other times he just feels a sense of terror and unreality. Then he needs to phone her even in the middle of the night, just to her her soothing voice, grounding him back to a normal life if only for a little while. He is an old Presbyterian at heart and believes himself cursed. There can be no mercy, no forgiveness for him, no pardon for his sins, no unburdening of the heart. Only she can offer him some temporary solace. She holds him against her chest, they kiss and cry together. She asks him where he has been during his increasingly frequent absences, he says he cannot tell her or makes up some more lies. What else could he do? He cannot bear the thought of losing her even though he is lost to himself.
His craving for blood is stronger than anything. He will prowl the streets at night, waiting for the next available prey, a young woman with long dark hair, full of life, full of hopes and expectations. He knows he holds the power of life and death over her. That is the main thrill. Mastery of other people’s lives is his only form of control.
He cannot tell how much she suspects. She will cry herself to sleep waiting for his return. She is sick with worry and anxiety. She has more doubts than he could possibly imagine, even in his most paranoid moments. She could not handle the truth. Although deep down doesn’t she know the truth already?
He comes to visit me every night. At first I tried very hard to resist his power but something irresistible drags me back to him over and over again. He is my Master, my Dark Angel, my Demon Lover. He hurts me and tortures me. He loves to degrade and demean me and yet I yearn for his kisses, for the powerful hold he has over me. He wants to master Life and Death and I surrender gladly to his will.
Each of his caresses leaves me weaker and weaker. He preys on my vitality and my vulnerability. He gorges himself on my blood and leaves when his appetite is satiated for he has no heart.
He is depraved and unprincipled. He knows every vice there is to know. His only pleasure is to inflict pain. He is my Prince of Darkness and a whimsical, capricious child. I am his mother, his sister, his lover and his slave.
I dream of him and get restless when he is not around. I await his return, when I will abandon myself wholly to his desires. At times, I long for his rough touch, at other times l just want to hold him in my arms and gently rock him to sleep.
Perhaps his kisses will kill me some day but this is a death I am more than willing to embrace for we depend on each other and I cannot conceive of my existence without him.
My Fallen Angel, my Lucifer, I fear I cannot save you… Then let me just quench your thirst and take me down with you…to everlasting Life or Death.