The killing of Ornella

I am starting to get bored of Paris…and longing for my partner in crime. I am studying for my French thesis but really Dieter gave me my master in cruelty. I was…am an apt pupil. Now it is daylight, all my night terrors have disappeared. There is no ghost, only decay. Death is a material fact. I run myself a bath and wash myseft thoroughly in the foamy water. I close my eyes and think of Ornella. Yes I hated that Italian bitch with her venitian curls, her arrogance and her Daddy’s money. She was a student at my college and thought she could seduce Dieter. But she was no match for either of us. We invited her to a candlelit dinner. I slipped a sleeping tablet in her drink. It was funny seeing her getting drowsy and babbling on. She was mostly unconscious when he strangled her with the rope and I held her. She went limp like a doll, her eyes opened wide. I washed her after the fact. Dieter wanted her nice and clean. I put cotton wool in her ears and nose. Her spirited body had departed but she could be our puppet. We kept her inside for a few days. We put some ice on her skin but still had to bury her in my parent’s garden after a while. At some point I cried, not too loudly, not deep sobs but I cried.

” Don’t get upset” Dieter said. “It was an act of love”. I said I was scared and he held me tight in his arms. We drank some champagne. Then we buried in in a shallow grave, in my parents Wiltshire property. And we made love over the muddy soil, over the musty Autumn leaves. We kissed for one last night over her dead body, soil matting my dark hair…nature triumphant. I had never felt so alive. But now she belongs to us forever.

Saïd

Saïd wasn’t a bad person at first. He is dark and handsome and found me good looking.

” Qu’est ce que t’es belle!”he said. We made love in a gentler way the second night, he softly undressing me and giving me pleasure. Dieter was all into harshness and punishment. I stroked his hair and cuddled up to him beneath the sheets. I found it hard to sleep that night. The moon was very bright but the ghost of Ornella was no longer haunting me.

Saïd has left for work now. I am still bleeding but there was no miscarriage, no monster or at least no trace of it. He was right. This was just the product of my imagination. But there is a void inside me that only Dieter can fill. We decided we would stay away from each other after what happened to Ornella and never mention the subject again. But I will never forget what he said: ” but Electra you enjoyed it. Not just the sex. No, you enjoyed the killing. I know this. You enjoyed the killing.”

Electra complex

Dieter is rich. Dieter is sadistic. He is my German lecturer and teacher in the art of cruelty and submission. He enjoys demeaning me and he said I would enjoy it too. And I enjoyed part of it. He says we are two of a kind.

Oh, I remember how we met at the little cafe in front of the Uni. He came and sat next to me. Me the goody goody pupil so desperate for top grades and validation.  School prefect, daughter of an army colonel and all that. I wanted to be recognised by someone exceptional.

” Mind if I join you?” Steely blue eyes staring at me.

” I was just about to leave actually.” I feigned indifference and gave him that disdainful look.

” I won’t stay very long. And I would really like to get to know you better.”

I stayed. That was his first victory. It was far from being his last.

I soon left the digs I was sharing with my friends to move into his flat. The first day I roamed in a bit disorientated. His flat was so pristine and luxurious. I wondered where he got his money from. He told me he had a private income. I did not dare inquire any further. I was dazzled by his brilliance and his intellect. For once I had someone I could look up to. imageimageI was up for anything. Let me repeat this to you. I was up for anything. Restaurants, nightclubs in London, so unlike the local disco in the dump where I come from, fine wines and silk lingerie, and a spot of cocaine now and then. And the sex of course. At first he was gentle and caring but I knew he wanted things to get a bit rougher. I told him I wanted it too…

” Don’t be afraid of hurting me.” I cried a little but there was pleasure in it too.

Today I am wearing the nightdress he bought me for my birthday and lying in bed, stroking his cat Obama, a real persian beauty. That cat was pestering me and nearly tripped me over when he wrapped himself around my leg, purring loudly. I gave him some Sheba to keep him quiet. How can Dieter be so kind to that animal, as cats are by nature untamable? Another of life’s little mysteries…

I am going to have a bath. I want to be nice and fresh when he comes back. He hurt me more the last time we made love. He told me he would rub some cream on me or he would take me to see a doctor.

” She’s a lady. She’ll understand. We just got a bit carried away baby. I love you so much.” I kissed his silky blond hair and blue eyes. My German baby… I want to surrender to him utterly with all my heart, body and soul… Cliché! Time for punishment. What will it be this time?

 

 

 

Demon Lover

He comes to visit me every night. At first I tried very hard to resist his power but something irresistible drags me back to him over and over again. He is my Master, my Dark Angel, my Demon Lover. He hurts me and tortures me. He loves to degrade and demean me and yet I yearn for his kisses, for the powerful hold he has over me. He wants to master Life and Death and I surrender gladly to his will.

Each of his caresses leaves me weaker and weaker. He preys on my vitality and my vulnerability. He gorges himself on my blood and leaves when his appetite is satiated for he has no heart.

He is depraved and unprincipled. He knows every vice there is to know. His only pleasure is to inflict pain. He is my Prince of Darkness and a whimsical, capricious child. I am his mother, his sister, his lover and his slave.

I dream of him and get restless when he is not around. I await his return, when I will abandon myself wholly to his desires. At times, I long for his rough touch, at other times l just want to hold him in my arms and gently rock him to sleep.

Perhaps his kisses will kill me some day but this is a death I am more than willing to embrace for we depend on each other and I cannot conceive of my existence without him.

My Fallen Angel, my Lucifer, I fear I cannot save you… Then let me just quench your thirst and take me down with you…to everlasting Life or Death.

Kissing the slug part 2

Tuesday morning.

 

I have had a good night’s sleep and I know this has just been a foolish dream. I must have been really desperate. To think even a slug would do a runner after being kissed by me! Oh well, lots of princes turn into frogs after the first kiss, don’t they? Still, I wonder what was going on in my mind… 

I’ve got to go, musn’t be late for school. Talk to you later…

 

Milly.

 

Nightime.

 

I am sitting by the window again, unable to concentrate on anything. I tried to do my homework earlier on, but I was feeling restless. Then I went to bed but kept tossing and turning. I even tried to count sheep but had to give up. I heard an owl howling in the distance and got up. The moonlight is almost dazzling. I sat in front of the mirror, trying to see if something had changed inside me after my (imaginary?) encounter with you. I definetely feel more alive. My cheeks have acquired a rosy glow and I can see a glittering light in my eyes. My hair is shinier and silky to the touch. I feel almost pretty. I am ready to face the whole world now, and all those silly girls at school seem so insignificant now. I am so much stronger than them!

 

Something is flapping against the window. A bright ray of moonlight is illuminating the room. Oh, I knew it, I knew you would never let me down… My Prince has come for me at last!Image

 

 

Kissing the slug part 1

Milly’ diary Top Secret!!                                 Monday Evening.

Dear slug,

 

Deep down I knew you were not the Prince Charming of my dreams. You were not even a frog! But still I am quite disappointed… Let me explain why…

When I decided to go for a walk by the sea today, everything seemed to be going badly in my life. Mum and I have just moved to Gosport to live with her new boyfriend who is in the Navy. I really hate it here, it´s so dull! There is not much to see apart from the Submarine and Explosion Museums. Of course, you have Portsmouth across the water with Nelson’s ship and a really trendy place they call Gunwharf Quays where everything is meant to happen, or at least something… Well, there is a cinema, a casino and lots of trendy shops where you can’t afford anything. Mum and her new man took me there last weekend. We went to a Mexican restaurant and had lots of spicy food. But they got quite drunk and I felt in the way. For the time being I prefer to stay in my room or go for walks. There is a beach near our house called Stokes Bay and that’s where I decided to go after school this afternoon. I kept thinking about all those bitchy girls in my Form Group, especially Lesley and Tasha, who were whispering nasty things about me all day… Let´s say I am not the most popular girl at school. I managed to make friends with the other new girl, who is a bit of a misfit, like me. Her name is Wanda and she is from Poland. She has only been in this country for a few months but her English is improving day by day and I fear soon she will no longer be my friend. I have red hair and freckles. I am quite fat, and I don’t think I am adapting very fast, unlike her… I have never been kissed, not even by a slug…until today!

 The beach is all pebbles, not sand, and usually quite chilly but it suits me fine. Well, it suited my mood at the moment. Some people were flying their kite. It was very windy, so I kept walking and walking for a long time, until I felt tired and paused. I noticed you, the little slug, crawling among the pebbles. I bent down to have a closer look at you. Your tentacles were darting towards me and your eyes gazed directly into mine, as if trying to tell me something. I had no idea what it could be, perhaps that we were brothers in misfortune, or that we shared some kind of special bond together? I felt sorry for you. I let you nestle into my arms and suddenly, suddenly, I know no one will believe me, but you spoke to me.

” Take me back to your place” you said. “At midnight I want you to give me a kiss. I’ll turn into a prince because you’re my princess.”

So I took you home as you had instructed. I did my homework, let you crawl by my window, and waited for the sun to set and the moon to appear. I knew you wouldn’t want to get away. You were lonely, just like me. I watched the last rays of the sun filter through the curtains. I was starting to feel sleepy and I think I dozed off for a little while. When I woke up, a full moon was shining through the window. It looked very bright and almost red. You were still here.

“Can I kiss you now?” I whispered. You didn’t answer but I saw you look at me again with that helpless, almost human look.

“Don’t close your eyes”, I thought I heard you say. I took you into the palm of my hand and tried to stare deep into your eyes, but your skin was really slimy! I felt a bit repelled by it. ImageStill I moved my lips closer to your face and I kissed you. I kissed you with my eyes closed. When I opened them, you were gone.